July 31, 2004
Cross Junction
There is something very calming about cross junctions. At least, that was how I felt yesterday, standing infront of IOI plaza, waiting for my Dad to pick me up after having a late night out with Eug and his pals.
Likely cos I was at a place that I wasn't expecting myself to be at. Cos the last time I was around the area, I was not really myself. I was someone, who, on retrospect, doesn't feel like me. It's that kinda feeling, like... did that really happened to me? And the answer is yes and no at the same time and I don't know which one makes me feel better about myself and my past (which is something quite important to me now since I have decided that I am not a 'nice' person, not just that anyway).
Anyway, there I was standing, at the traffic light, watching how the lights turn from green to amber to red and back to green, the flashing green men, the predictability of it all. And it brought to mind what Eug asked earlier in the evening - whether I'm the kind who believes life is random or there is some pre-arrangement in life.
And it brought to mind my students in school. Structures and routines are very important to them. It makes them feel safe and settled and therefore, enables them to cope with the other details of living their everyday (different) life. Little things like going to the toilet and finding out the tap is spoiled can freak them out immensely and they go through the rest of the day with a tight fist and tantrums (of which I've been a victim many times).
Ever since I read Meisen's term paper on waiting in the everyday life, I find myself asking what the hell I'm waiting for almost every time I'm waiting for something. Especially when I'm physically tired or mentally spent, I'd always consider not waiting. But, I'm not that much different from most people. I hate pain, hate knowing I would feel pain.
So, think I'd still just wait... and wash it from my mind, the memory of choosing not to fight.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:53